Lost Identity

Last Sunday in church, it was our family's turn to be the Spotlight in Primary. This year, since the focus is on families, they do spotlights on the whole family, not just one child. They asked us to come in and tell a little about each person; talents, hobbies, etc. Jon thought it would be fun if we each picked someone to "introduce" rather than talk about ourselves. I think he is just uncomfortable talking about himself but I thought it sounded like a good plan.

So the night before, we sat down to plan out what we were going to say. I wanted the kids to come up with their own ideas, not just say what we told them to say! But I also wanted to make sure it was appropriate!

Paige decided to introduce Jon. She came up with lots of things like:
- He works at home so she gets to see him all the time.
- He plays soccer with her in the backyard and she beats him.
- He teaches her about basketball and the players when they watch the Jazz games together.
- He lets her play his drums.
WOW! He sounds like a great dad. And he must be if that is what his own kids think up to say about him. (PS if it's not clear, I am not disputing this. He is a great dad! :))

Haily chose to introduce me.

She couldn't think of anything. She turned to Paige for some ideas. Paige couldn't think of anything. Jon was silent. Finally, Paige said, "What DO you do, Mom?" Then someone suggested that I like to watch TV. Jon laughed and said "It's true." (I feel like I have to defend myself here because although I do have a handful of shows that I watch regularly, I RARELY watch TV during the day. I almost always DVR it and watch it when the kids go to bed.)

She ended up talking mainly about how I'm going to have a baby and also that I give her medicine when she's sick. She mentioned (with Jon's prompting) that I used to run before I was pregnant. But let's face it, it's not like it's a talent. I'm not GOOD at running!

I started reflecting about myself and who I am, what I do, what I like. I'm left feeling a little lost. I thought, "Maybe I don't have time for hobbies and developing talents because I'm always busy cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking kids here and there, etc." Then I looked around the house. I saw the clutter, the piles of laundry, the empty cupboards. Looks like I haven't been doing those things lately! I really can't take pride in my skills as a housekeeper, organizer, laundress, or cook these days.

In fact, right when we walked in the door after church Jon started telling me that "we" (meaning ME) need to figure out how to better organize the kitchen so there isn't so much clutter in the counter top all the time. I just didn't want to discuss it at that moment so I said, "I know that is important but can we please not talk about it right now?" He goes "UNREAL!" So frustrating.

Has motherhood finally taken over my identity? Is all my energy spent getting the kids to school, helping with homework, putting band-aids on scrapes, paying the bills, and running the household in general? I started to really feel invisible. I mean, yes the kids need someone to feed them, to clean them, and get them to school. But couldn't anyone do that? I feel like a generic "mother" robot. Where is my personality? Who would I be without motherhood?

I'm feeling lost.

Part of me wants to get away alone to "find myself". But really, where would I go and what would I do to accomplish that? And don't you have to "lose yourself in the service of others" to find yourself? But isn't that what I already do?

Jon thinks I'm just "pregnant crazy" I'm sure. And maybe he's right. But these are the thoughts and feelings I'm having these days.